Sharing Secrets
by Seriously Guys
Summary: Chaos ensues at Cartman and Butters' commitment ceremony.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Sharing Secrets  
**Authors:** Seriously Guys  
**Pairing:** Stan/Kenny, Cartman/Butters  
**Rating:** PG13  
**Summary:** Chaos ensues at Cartman and Butters' committment ceremony.

* * *

"You guys, seriously, I have big news."

"What is it, fatass?" Kyle responded, grunting.

"No need for name calling," Cartman replied. "I just want to tell you guys all about my new friend."

"You have a friend?" I said, pausing. "That's not one of us three?"

"Shut up, Kenny." Cartman looked pissed. "This isn't just any friend. It's a special friend."

"You mean, a girlfriend?" Stan asked. "Well, it's about time, Cartman. I knew you would find someone before we graduated high school." Stan patted Cartman on the back, trying to be reassuring.

"Is she a fatass like you?" Kyle added.

"No, _she _is not fatass. In fact, _she _is not a _she _at all. You guys, I'm gay."

I started laughing. He had to be kidding, right? I mean, Cartman, gay, that's hilarious. Kyle and Stan just stood there with their mouths open.

Stan interrupted my laughter. "Dude, you're kidding , right?"

"I am not kidding."

"Well, who is he?" Kyle asked in a very serious tone.

"It's Butters." Cartman replied.

--

That was five years ago. Now here we all were at Butters and Carman's commitment ceremony. I was sitting between Wendy and Stan, which was exceptionally awkward. It was actually a sizeable affair, by the dock at Stark's Pond. Butters had obviously made most of the aesthetic decisions. If Cartman had his way there would have been a circus theme and I'm sure a Ferris wheel would've made an appearance somewhere.

"Hi, Kenny, how have you been?" Wendy asked, placing her pocketbook surreptitiously under her seat.

"I've been good. I'm thinking of starting an organic farm near Conifer. We're going to have a goat."

"Really?" Wendy asked.

"No, I'm just kidding. I've been working at the bar here to pay off my student loans."

Stan just glared at me. He hated it when I made shit up just to piss people off. Ironically, it was because of him that I had to lie the most.

Yeah, you guessed it, Stan and I were sleeping together, and nobody could know. I was fine with the arrangement, actually, because I feel like the whole town would hate me if they knew.

It all started that night five years ago, after Cartman had come out of the closet. Stan had decided to sleep over at my place because his parents were having some sort of party.

--

"Kenny?" Stan asked. It was a warm night, so we decided to camp out in the backyard. Another factor was the smell of cat urine and vomit that permeated the walls of my house. It was worse on warm nights like that night.

We were lying next to each other in sleeping bags, staring at the stars above us. "Yes, Stan?" I answered. It was all very romantic, but that was not intentional.

"I can't believe Cartman and Butters are dating."

"It won't last. Cartman will get sick of him soon enough."

"I don't know, Kenny. Cartman wouldn't come out to us unless he was really sure about it."

"Oh, I'm sure it's just part of one of his schemes."

"Dude, he hasn't had a scheme in like two years."

"I know, joining the band has really helped him channel his energy into something positive."

"Yeah, but he still sucks at the sousaphone." We both started laughing. Cartman's last sousaphone recital was amazingly horrible and we both recalled it like it was yesterday. Butters had been the only one who cheered, and now it suddenly made a lot sense.

We both sighed. "Did you ever think Cartman was gay?" Stan asked.

"Well, I knew he definitely had something up his butt."

"No, seriously."

"Well, I don't think it doesn't make sense. I mean, Butters, that one's obvious."

"Yeah. Now I feel kind of bad for calling him a fag all the time."

"I know, you can't do that anymore."

Stan turned over onto his side and looked at me. "Kenny, have you ever thought about, you know, a guy?"

"Me?" I asked, doubtfully. The truth was, I had. I had fantasized about Stan for as long as I could remember. I, of course, never acted upon it, and I wasn't about to do anything now. "Uh, no. Of course not. That's sick, dude."

"Yeah," Stan replied, "but, still, _I've_ thought about it before."

"Really? You, Stan?"

"Yeah. It's not a big deal. I've just thought about it before. Don't tell anybody."

"I won't. Who do you think about?"

"That, I am not sharing with you, my friend."

"Why not? I tell _you_ everything."

"I don't think you do."

"Well, maybe not _everything_. Just tell me, I promise not to judge."

"I'm not telling you."

"Come o-on!" I whined, "Fine, I'm just going to guess."

"I'm not going to tell you, even if you guess. And who says it's someone we know?"

"It's someone we know. I'm sure of it. Is it Cartman?"

"Ew. Fuck no."

"Is it Clyde?"

"No."

"Is it Craig?"

Stan shook his head.

"Token? Tweek? Pip?"

He kept shaking his head no.

"I know who it is," I joked. "It's the sexiest guy in the grade, Kenny McCormick."

Stan blushed.

"Oh my god. It _is_ me!" I said, probably louder than I should have.

"No, it's not, dude."

"Stan, I can't believe you never told me about this before."

"There's nothing to tell, fucktard." He started screwing up his face. He was so cute when he was upset.

"Stan, it's cool. I've actually thought about you like that before too."

"You have?"

--

Five years later and here we were sitting purposely not next to each other at a gay wedding. Well, commitment ceremony, but whatever. "Stan, have you been up to anything interesting?" Wendy asked in her most annoying tone.

"Not really, I'm just living at home and working part-time at Tom's Rhinoplasty.

"Oh, do you know Courtney? I think she works there."

"Yeah, I know her," he replied. I could swear I saw him rolling his eyes, but if he was it was extremely subtle.

"I think she's really pretty," Wendy added. Things were really awkward for the two of them. They had dated on and off in high school, mostly off though. That was one of the problems of living in a small town, not many people to get your rocks off with.

Stan was rescued from this awkward moment by the female minister. She wore a name tag that read, "Hello My Name Is Rayma," I almost burst out laughing.

"We are gathered here today…" she began, after clearing her throat into the microphone for about two minutes before everyone finally shushed up.

The ceremony was fairly uneventful. When Reverend Rayma asked if anybody had any objections, surprisingly nobody stood up. I thought I saw Dr. Mephesto start to, but then he stopped and pretended he was just adjusting his pants.

Everything went pretty smoothly. Their kiss at the end was a tad over the top, and Butters grabbing Cartman's ass was totally uncalled for, I thought. The reception was held immediately afterwards. Cartman had put Stan with him at the head table and Kyle at the kids' table. I was at a table with Wendy (ugh), Bebe, Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Token, and a bunch of Butters' older cousins. Poor Kyle, he looked royally pissed off.

I was kind of relieved I didn't have to sit with Stan. It was really hard to fake not being with him when he was so close. These were precisely the people he didn't want to know about us, the people at this table. I just had to get through a few more hours of this and then I'd have him at home in my bed … all to myself.

My mind was wandering. I had to stop it. Thank god there was an open bar at this shindig…


	2. Chapter 2

Two rum and Cokes later I found myself talking to Kyle. He seemed really pissed off, but then again he was always riled up over something.

"Dude, one of them keeps saying things like 'I made poopy!' " he said, swirling the celery stick around in his half-empty Bloody Mary.

"Who?"

"The kids at this fucking table Cartman sat me at!"

"Oh," I responded.

"You seem a little distracted, Kenny. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's fine." I didn't want to tell Kyle about what was on my mind. It was really none of his business. He also had a big mouth. "Look!" I said a little too loudly, "It's…" I looked around for the closest person I could rope into our conversation in order to change its direction. "Craig!" I walked over and grabbed Craig's shoulder.

"Oh, hi, dude," Craig simpered.

"Hey, Craig," Kyle acknowledged.

"Oh, hi Kenny, Kyle." Craig had taken off his hat for this occasion, which was actually kind of rare. His hair was oddly greasy, probably from being under that stupid hat most of the time. "Whatcha guys been up to?"

"You know, the usual mischief," I smirked.

The hors d'oeuvres had slowed and people were starting to take their seats. "Well, we had better get back to our seats, Kenny," Craig sneered. "See you later, Kyle."

"Fuck you. Stupid fucking kids table," Kyle grumbled. Craig and I sat next to each other at our table, which was conveniently or unfortunately dance-floor adjacent.

"They're lucky it didn't rain," Craig said to me. "I mean, I guess they have this tent and everything, but tents get really muggy and gross when it rains."

"Uh huh." I poured myself a glass of wine from one of the bottles that had been placed on the table. I downed it rather quickly and poured myself another.

"You must be really thirsty."

"I'm just celebrating, Craig. Butters and Cartman are two very close friends of mine. I'm just very happy to see them finally getting hitched."

"Oh. Who would have thought that they would become gay lovers?"

"Everybody keeps saying that, but really I think it was quite obvious all along."

I kept talking to Craig as dinner was served. He kept going on and on about his new car and his new girlfriend, who couldn't make it tonight because it was her Aunt Grace's quinceañera or something. I don't know, I wasn't really listening. I met up with Stan at the dessert table afterwards. He looked so hot in his tux, it was painful not being able to touch him … much.

I brushed up against him oh-so-subtly and whispered in his ear, "Hello, Stan."

Stan swung around and wrapped his arms around me, "Kenny! Oh! Am I glad to see you! I've spent the last hour discussing needlepoint with Mrs. Stotch." I could smell the scotch on his breath.

I shrugged his arms off of me. "Stan, what will people think?" I whispered.

"Oh, yeah, right."

"Don't 'oh right' me, mister. This whole sham was your idea."

"Yeah…"

Just then, Butters, the blushing 'bride,' sidled up next to me. He was wearing a white tuxedo with lace accents and a white silk damask cummerbund. "Kenny, I haven't seen you all evening. Where have you been?"

"Talking to Craig," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Craig, he's a nice fellow," Butters chirped. "I'm having such a good time. Are you having a good time, Kenny?"

"I sure am!" I said, half-heartedly, but Butters was too ecstatic to notice. He quickly moved on to harangue Red about her ever-growing baby-bump.

"They seem really happy," Stan said.

"They sure do!" I retorted angrily, now getting a little pissed off. I'd had this fantasy, as of late, of a big beautiful commitment ceremony for me and Stan. It was a stupid fantasy, I know, but when you really love someone like I love Stan you can't help but think of things like that. Stan enjoying this party, for Cartman of all people, was really rubbing me the wrong way. Speak of the devil…

"YOU GUYS!" Cartman's booming yet nasal voice interrupted. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"Oh, hi, Cartman," I muttered.

"Hello to you too, Kenny. I see you're taking advantage of our generous open bar," he said, nodding toward the gin and tonic I was now cradling.

"Oh, yeah. It's really great. Top notch," I said. "Congratulations on your commitment, Eric. I never thought you would be the first one of us to get hitched."

"Well, guys, when you know you've found the one, there's no point in putting it off."

Stan interrupted, "You two are so cute. And so in love."

"That's right, Stan," Cartman responded. "Isn't this fancy? Don't you just love what Leo is wearing?"

"Leo?" Stan asked stupidly.

"You think I would call my husband by a nickname, Stan? That's ridiculous. Leo and I are too close for that. Oh look here he is!" Cartman's face became one gigantic ridiculous grin.

Indeed Butters was elegantly floating back toward us. "Eric! I was looking for you! We're going to do the toasts soon. I hope you've prepared a speech, Stan."

"Me?" Stan blushed.

"We would love it you said something," Cartman said, while making Eskimo kisses with Butters. It was kind of sickening.

"Oh, okay. Sure," Stan responded, downing the rest of his scotch rather quickly.

"Oh, honey, isn't everything just perfect?" Butters asked Cartman.

"Of course it's perfect. It's my wedding."

"It's a commitment ceremony, dude," I said.

"And it's _our_ commitment ceremony," Butters corrected. "Oh look! It's Principal Victoria. I can't believe she actually came!" And with that Butters was off in a blur of white.

"Guys, isn't this so great?" Cartman asked. "Did you notice the band? They're the most expensive band in all of Colorado, and we totally upgraded on the glassware. It's the subtle touches…"

"Dude, shut up," I responded. "Everybody knows Butters' parents are paying for the whole thing."

"You shut up, Kenny. You're just jealous because you're poor. Well, I've wasted enough time on the two of you. Don't screw up your speech, Stan." Cartman walked away. I was going to lean over and say something disparaging about Cartman's brown tux with tails, but Stan looked a world away.

"Penny for your thoughts," I offered.

"What a lame thing to say."

"Oh, okay, then what are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about what I'm going to drink now. This party is so lame."

"Good idea." We walked over to the bar and had our glasses refilled.

"You wanna dance?" Stan asked me.

"Are you fucking kidding?"

"No, man, it'll be cool."

"You're drunk, dude."

"Maybe I am, but I feel like dancing."

"Oh okay." I was rescued by the sound of a knife striking a glass. "Um, time for the toasts. I think I'd better get back to my seat."


	3. Chapter 3

"Everybody, quiet down," Butters shouted above the murmuring masses. People gradually stopped talking. "Okay, everybody. Eric and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming…"

"…and for all of the wonderful gifts," Eric interrupted, getting a small chuckle from the crowd. I barely cracked a smile. I don't know why he finds his own greediness funny.

"Yes, Eric, the presents are wonderful, but I'm more thankful for everybody being here. I wanted to make the first toast to all of you." Butters raised his glass.

"To me," I mumbled, downing the entire glass of champagne. I saw Stan doing the same at the head table. I signaled to the waiter to refill my glass.

Then, to my horror, Stan stood up. Well, he didn't really stand up as much as half stumble out of his chair, grab the table for support, knocking over Mrs. Stotch's champagne flute and a bowl of pillow mints, and rise with his glass somehow still full. "I would like to make a toast!" he excitedly shouted. I felt my cheeks turning red. He could be so embarrassing when he was drunk.

He continued, "You two are one of the most inspiring couples I know. I remember five years ago when Cartman told us about Butters. Well, we knew who Butters was, but you know what I mean. At first it was weird, but now it's…" Stan trailed off. I saw Craig whispering something to Token that I'm pretty glad I didn't hear.

Stan wasn't done yet, though "…And that's why I hope that one day, Kenny and I can have a ceremony as beautiful as yours." The crowd fell silent, and any whispering that had been going on ceased instantly. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of Stan's mouth, and it was just getting worse. "That's right, Kenny and I are lovers. We're in love, just like Butters and Cartman."

Cartman stood up angrily. "Oh, no you don't! Don't you think for a second that I will let you steal the spotlight at my own commitment ceremony. This is _my_ commitment ceremony!"

Butters chimed in, "_Our _commitment ceremony."

"Um, I gotta go puke," Stan replied, tripping over his chair as he tried to remove himself from the situation.

I was in shock. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kyle get up and leave. He looked pissed. Everybody was staring at me. I had to get out of there. I can't believe he had just done that. I got up and tried to make my way toward an exit while drawing as little attention as possible. Fortunately, one of Cartman's college buddies was now making a toast. Nobody was listening, though. They were all staring at me.

--

I found Stan crouched over a rowboat by the shore. He was, as he had accurately predicted, puking. He noticed me and looked up. "Oh, hi Kenny. I bet you're pissed at me."

"You're damn right I'm pissed at you! You just outed me in front of the entire town, dude!"

"Yeah, about that. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"That's right, you weren't. You're plastered, Stan. We'll talk about this later. I've gotta go apologize to like everyone I know."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"I meant what I said. I am in love with you, Kenny. I'm sick of hiding it."

"Look, dude. I'm sick of hiding it too, but if you remember, it was your idea to keep our relationship secret in the first place. I went along with it because … well, I don't know why I went along with it. The point is, going public with our relationship is really the sort of thing we should've discussed first, and this certainly wasn't the place to do it!"

"But…"

"Look, I don't want to have this conversation with you. We'll talk about this later." I turned around and left Stan by the shore. I couldn't believe this was happening. This is not how I had pictured it, and now I had the whole town to explain myself to. I had lied to everybody, and been caught. I reentered the tent cautiously.

The toasts were over, thank God. The Macarena was pumping and a bunch of people were dancing to it. I decided to apologize to Cartman and Butters first, since it was their wedding, or commitment ceremony. Whatever. I saw Cartman raiding the dessert table, and he saw me coming.

"I knew it. You're a fag, Kenny."

"Yeah, well so are you, fatass."

"Yeah, well, why didn't you just tell me?"

"Well, Stan didn't want to tell anybody, and you would've just ripped on us anyway."

"Yeah, probably. You had better find Kyle. If nothing else good comes out of this, at least he's pissed."

"Yeah, well I imagine a lot of people are really pissed."

"Leo isn't. He's really pleased."

"Ugh." I sighed, leaving Eric to hoard the chocolate-covered strawberries for himself. Thank God my parents weren't there, or else I would have had to explain it to them. I would have to do it later. Unfortunately, the Marshes were in attendance. Randy and Sharon awkwardly sidled up to me.

"Oh, hi, Mr. Marsh, Mrs. Marsh," I stuttered.

"Hi, Kenny, dear," Sharon said. "So, you and Stan…"

"Yeah," I replied. "Me and Stan."

Randy grabbed my hand. "I guess that makes you our son now."

"Randy, no," Sharon corrected. "He's just our son's gay lover."

"Well, yeah, I _guess_ that's more accurate," I said, politely removing my hand from Randy Marsh's.

Randy took a long sip of his Long Island Iced Tea. "This is just great. First Shelly is a lesbian, and now Stan is gay, what did we do wrong?"

"Randy!" Sharon scolded.

"Yeah, Randy," I added.

"I didn't mean that," he said. "You know what I mean. Well, welcome to the family, Kenny, kind of."

"Yeah, thanks," I replied. The two of them left me just as awkwardly as they had approached me, probably to go find Stan.

I headed over to the kids' table to find Kyle. I really needed to talk to him. He was sitting there distractedly pushing a piece of commitment cake around his plate. He looked really upset. Cartman was right.


End file.
